I was feeling Michelle’s arms wrapped tightly around me, and I could feel her warm body against mine. A part of me wanted to push her off the bike onto the oncoming traffic, and at the same time I wanted to pull up along the side, and take her into my arms, and hug her close to me till she begged for release. I had never felt such mixed emotions about a person in my whole life, not even towards Lynn. But ever since that day I had walked into the school cafeteria, and sat down beside Michelle, I have been feeling this way most of the time. I never knew how to act or behave myself around her. And the reason for all of this was, that never before in my life had I met someone like her.
When I was with Michelle, I felt utterly exposed, and so totally out of control – and at the same time I could talk to her – and that was also new to me. I had never been able to open up to anyone, not even Mandy. Me and Mandy had grown up together, and she always taken care of me, and tried to clean up my messes. But I could never talk to her the way I could talk to Michelle. Michelle understood everything that I did, she always knew exactly what I was thinking, and she also knew what I was going to do, even before I had decided myself. And this made me feel so scared of her, because I felt that with her I had no place to hide. She had discovered that secret place that was Me, and was slowly becoming a part of it in a way that no one had ever done before. But at the same time I felt so secure around her, because I felt that she was the only person in the whole world who could really understand me, and with her I could not be anyone else, except myself. I did not feel this way with anyone else.
With everyone else around me, I always tried to show how self-confident I was, how totally in control I was. But with Michelle it was different. With just one look she would understand exactly what I was thinking, no matter what my mouth, or my body-language was saying. I had always had this feeling around her, but last Friday at The Magic Lounge, she had looked in my eyes, and said,
“I always knew you’d be wasting your life as a lawyer. This is what you should do for real.”
She had pretended she was teasing me. But she had looked right in my eyes when she said it, and I knew that she had meant it. She had understood exactly what I was thinking right at that moment. And then on Saturday, I pretended I wanted to go back there as a joke, and when the others didn’t want to go, I was going to give up. But she had seen right through me, and persuaded the others to go there.
And when we were singing the song together, she had looked right in my eyes when she sang her first verse. I knew what she was telling me. She was using the song to tell me not to give up on my dreams – those dreams which I had kept hidden from everyone else, and that she had invaded with just one look at me.
But none of this even came close to what had happened today. On Monday, I had gone to Lenton School for Performing Arts on an impulse, collected an application form, and the brochure. I had been going through that brochure for the whole week. It was hard to get in – I knew I didn’t have the guts to try out by the first time I had gone through the brochure. But I had kept going through it, turning the pages, and every time I opened that booklet, I felt this voice inside me screaming, and calling me a coward, and trying to push me in that direction. But I couldn’t even bring myself to answer that voice inside my head, except to tell it to shut up and that this was not for me.
And then Michelle walked in the garage, and within a few moments she had managed to turn my whole reasoning around – again. She voiced out my deepest fears, and it was one thing having a voice in my head telling me that I was going to miss out on life, and it was quite another having one of my best friends saying that directly to my face.
I turned to her at that moment, and shouted over the drone of the motorbike,“So you’re sure you’re going to apply, or what?” She laughed softly, and shouted back,
“Yes, of course I am. Aren’t you?” I was still feeling unsure, and so I shouted back,
“I don’t know. April is such a long way away. I’ll decide when the time is right.”
She didn’t say a word then. But after a few seconds, I felt her sliding closer to me, wrapping her arms tighter around my waist, until she was almost squeezing me, and rested her head on my shoulders. She started humming softly to herself. At first I tried to ignore her, but then she slowly turned her head, resting her chin on my shoulder and softly started singing in my ear. I stiffened as I realised what song she was singing. It was the Alan Parsons’ Project song – Limelight.
“I can see the glow of a distant sun,
I can feel it inside,
Maybe this day could be the one,” she sang. I listened to her voice as she went on more purposefully this time,
"I can hear the roar of a distant crowd,
They are waiting for me,
Calling my name, Shouting out loud.”
She stopped because we had arrived at the beach.
I parked my motorbike, and we both got off.
She stood before me, smiling, with that knowing look in her eyes. And I suddenly knew the answer. I took both her hands in mine, and as I looked right in her eyes and nodded my head, I said softly,
“Yeah Michelle, I can hear them too.”
She smiled at me, let go of my hands and started walking away.
I looked at her beautiful, young person as I followed her, and shook my head silently.
She had done it again.
